I can fix Honda

"saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars" (saabstory)
12/02/2013 at 01:07 • Filed to: HONDA

Who likes the FP-style cover photo?

We all know Honda has a problem, and that problem is that their cars suck, and they're boring, and that sucks, especially considering Honda has made cars that are good, and are exciting, and that was good. Case in point, this:

Awesome cars. But Honda's clearly lost any trace of insanity that they used to have. This is where I come in. I recently drove a 1996 Honda Odyssey (base trim), and I was BLOWN AWAY by its extreme power, hoonability and comfort. Seriously. It was an MP4-12C minivan, but better. It had Formula 1 levels of grip and acceleration, but I swear it could monster even a Venom GT or Veyron SS in a straight line. It was that good.

But I digress.

The only things that I wish that '96 had were no seats, ludicrous windows, no doors besides the driver's, six wheels, and Brembo brakes all-around. Here's my rendering:

I know it's a little messy. I know that, so don't tell me. If you want it to look nicer, I'll gladly give you the PSD file, and you can fix it. The point is, this is what Honda needs to pop it out of its slump. It also has quad-turbochargers now, and blowoff valve duck calls (look it up).

This retrofitted 1996 Odyssey would be the Honda halo car. And they would sell more than they could make. You heard it here first, folks.

But in all seriousness, Honda, get your shit together.

DISCUSSION (9)

Zipppy, Mazdurp builder, Probeski owner and former ricerboy > saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars
12/02/2013 at 01:09

Kinja'd!!!

This window must be expensive to replace. I'd also imagine the car collapsing on itself in a rollover.

saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars > Zipppy, Mazdurp builder, Probeski owner and former ricerboy
12/02/2013 at 01:12

No, this uses a new type of glass twice as light as air, and fifty times stronger than carbon fiber. Only I know how to make it in my laboratory. So, expensive, yes, but it's stronger than the rest of the car.

E30Joe drives a Subaru > saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars
12/02/2013 at 01:14

My 2003 Honda Odyssey was the hoon-mobile because no matter how hard I beat on it, it refused to break.

saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars > E30Joe drives a Subaru
12/02/2013 at 01:17

Yeah, really. It did feel extremely solid, and when you open the hood, there's actually space and wire and all that good stuff. You can actually change the headlights without removing other bits. Which I approve of.

E30Joe drives a Subaru > saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars
12/02/2013 at 01:22

Yep there was plenty of room in there to work with. All I ever did on mine was spark plugs, and the oil god knows how many times in 200k miles. And a few headlights but who's counting.

aquila121 > saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars
12/02/2013 at 01:32

I'm sorry, but from now on, any time someone uses the abbreviation "[blahblahblah] the FP," I will forever think of this movie—it's on Netflix streaming, and it just may one-up "Hawk the Slayer" and "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" for 'most WTF movie.'

saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars > aquila121
12/02/2013 at 01:42

I have no words... Right before the DDR part was revealed, I was all primed to recommend the Insane Clown Posse movie (which was produced by The Asylum, the same company responsible for Sharknado) called Death Racers. But this is strange and confusing on a whole new level.

aquila121 > saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars
12/02/2013 at 01:55

Oh, God—I almost got suckered into watching "Death Racers," but then I saw "Violent J" and "Shaggy 2 Dope" on the cast-list, and I was like, 'waitaminute, those sound like Juggallo-assholes.' If you want to subject your eyes to The Asylum does Fast and the Furious, watch 200 MPH—take a drink any time you see/hear something car related that is complete and utter bullshit. On grounds of continuity errors alone, you'll have alcohol poisoning in the first ten minutes.

aquila121 > saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars
12/02/2013 at 01:58

So... I watched the trailer you posted—I threw up in my mouth a little.